Art
Vark: “Welcome to ringside. I’m your
host, Art Vark. On the eve of our next
professional wrestling Battle Royal, let’s hear what our wrestlers have to say.”
“Here
comes the mild-mannered Mad Dog to tell us what good all of his lockdowns did
other than destroying the economy.”
Mad
Dog: “Yes, we should be giving out the second dose to 70-year-olds by the end
of the month.”
Art
Vark: “That’s not what I asked you, Mad Dog.
Anyway, why did you try to cover up the 15,000
COVID-19 deaths in the nursing homes?”
Mad
Dog (looking embarrassed): “I didn’t want the Domestic Terror to make fun of
me.”
Art
Vark: “As most fans already know, the Domestic Terror has been banned from
making any public appearances affiliated with our company. This means that he will not be around to
bother you anymore.”
Mad
Dog: “DT killed hundreds of thousands more than I ever did with his lies regarding
the virus, but his followers still adore him.
He tried to bully his own party members into stealing the election just as
I did in my coverup. And he’s a misogynist
just like I am. Why won’t my fans still
worship me like they do him?”
Art Vark: “Uh, yeah, I don’t know. Look who’s coming down the aisle now. It’s the Snowbird!”
Snowbird: “Hey Art, that’s not my moniker.”
Art Vark: “You know how it is,
Snowbird. Sometimes the fans will give
you the name of their choosing.”
Audience: “SNOWBIRD, SNOWBIRD, SNOWBIRD…”
Art
Vark: “So why did you “fly the coup” when your fans needed you the most?”
Snowbird:
“My daughters said that they felt the call of migration. I now know that they were wrong. Anyway, the Domestic Terror could’ve done the
same thing and gotten away with it like he did everything else.”
(Audience
filled with fans of the Domestic Terror boo loudly).
Art
Vark: “Fly away bird. Here comes the
Fly.”
The
Fly: “How are you, Art?”
Art
Vark: “Fine. Let’s get straight to
it. What do you think about DT after he
turned the fans on you in your last match?”
The
Fly: “Well, obviously I felt betrayed.”
Art
Vark: “I didn’t know that your kind could feel anything.”
The
Fly: “What are you talking about?”
Art
Vark: “How long do you think it would take a human to feel a fly on his
head? I’m sure such things as skin
sensitivity and fine motor skills are the most challenging technologies to
perfect.
The
Fly (feigning indignation): “You’re crazy!”
Closet
Conservative (southern drawl): “You’re barking up the wrong tree on that one
partner.”
Art
Vark: “Look, it’s the Closet Conservative.
Hey CC, can you tell us what foreign power owns you through
blackmail?
Closet
Conservative: “How dare you preach such slander, Sir.”
Art
Vark: “Come on CC, everyone inside the Beltway knows that you’re gay. What you do with your personal life is your business
but when you are voted into the ring by your anti-abortion, anti-gay fans, what
would happen if they knew that it was all just your gimmick?
Closet
Conservative: “Bomb Iran!” (storms off).
Art
Vark: “Oh no, look who it is walking down the aisle. It’s the Domestic Terror himself!”
Domestic
Terror: “It’s wonderful to see my adoring fans once again (flexing his
biceps). I’m ready for the Battle Royal
tomorrow night where I will once again regain my World Championship belt after
it was stolen from me.”
Art
Vark: “Uh, DT, you’re out of it. Your
last match was “Loser leave town” --and you lost.”
Domestic
Terror: “That match was rigged! The Fly
could’ve turned it all around for me, but he was gutless like the rest of
them. Even Moribund Man chickened out at
the end.”
Art
Vark: “Sorry DT, but you’re not supposed to be here. You need to leave.”
DT:
“Never! I will get my fans to turn upon
you all!”
Art
Vark (causing a distraction): “Hey, get that old man away from the
controls. Oh wait, it’s
Dr. Demented, winner of the last title match.”
“Why
aren’t you wearing your World Championship belt, DD?
Dr.
Demented: "What belt? What the hell are you talking about? Where am I?"
(A
polar wind blows through)
Art
Vark: “Who do we have coming down the aisle now? Why, it’s the Geoengineer!”
Geoengineer:
“Did somebody call for a cold front? How
about a little reflective technology to superheat the planet?”
Art
Vark: “So how many of these disasters are really orchestrated by you instead of
being “Acts of God?”
Geoengineer
(arrogantly): “Acts of God? Perhaps they
should call them acts of me! Do you
think we let Tesla’s discoveries go to waste?
Frequency, resonance and vibration focused in particular ways can bring
forth planet-changing results. The
championship belt will soon be mine at last!”
Art
Vark: “Not so fast, GE. There is still
one voice we have yet to hear from. The
reception is bad, but maybe we can listen to a few words from our super-villain-on-location
in Fukushima Prefecture.”
Toxic
Plume: “I am the Toxic Plume! Your lives
mean nothing to me. Neither does your stupid
belt. Along with assistance from my new
tag-team partner, the Geoengineer, we will destroy everything!”
Art
Vark (taking GE aside): “What? I didn’t
know that you two were now tag team partners?”
Geoengineer
(looking afraid): “I didn’t either.”
Toxic
Plume: “My radioactive essence has been slowly infiltrating the seven
seas. It’s just a matter of time before
I creep into your fresh water supply.”
“Choke
it down, slaves! In your race to the
bottom, I will be the one left standing.”
Art
Vark: “There you have it folks! The Battle Royal scheduled for tomorrow night
looks to be the best ever! Be sure to
tune in to pay-per-view to find out who walks away with the title!”
*Characters
and storylines are for entertainment purposes only. Any belief that above characters exhibit similarities
to real human beings either living or dead could result in mass psychosis with
accompanying extinction level events.