Ready to Rumble

Art Vark: “Welcome to ringside.  I’m your host, Art Vark.  On the eve of our next professional wrestling Battle Royal, let’s hear what our wrestlers have to say.”

“Here comes the mild-mannered Mad Dog to tell us what good all of his lockdowns did other than destroying the economy.”

Mad Dog: “Yes, we should be giving out the second dose to 70-year-olds by the end of the month.”

Art Vark: “That’s not what I asked you, Mad Dog.  Anyway, why did you try to cover up the 15,000 COVID-19 deaths in the nursing homes?”

Mad Dog (looking embarrassed): “I didn’t want the Domestic Terror to make fun of me.” 

Art Vark: “As most fans already know, the Domestic Terror has been banned from making any public appearances affiliated with our company.  This means that he will not be around to bother you anymore.”

Mad Dog: “DT killed hundreds of thousands more than I ever did with his lies regarding the virus, but his followers still adore him.  He tried to bully his own party members into stealing the election just as I did in my coverup.  And he’s a misogynist just like I am.  Why won’t my fans still worship me like they do him?”

Art Vark: “Uh, yeah, I don’t know.  Look who’s coming down the aisle now.  It’s the Snowbird!”

Snowbird: “Hey Art, that’s not my moniker.” 

Art Vark: “You know how it is, Snowbird.  Sometimes the fans will give you the name of their choosing.”

Audience: “SNOWBIRD, SNOWBIRD, SNOWBIRD…”                                                              

Art Vark: “So why did you “fly the coup” when your fans needed you the most?”

Snowbird: “My daughters said that they felt the call of migration.  I now know that they were wrong.  Anyway, the Domestic Terror could’ve done the same thing and gotten away with it like he did everything else.”

(Audience filled with fans of the Domestic Terror boo loudly).

Art Vark: “Fly away bird.  Here comes the Fly.”

The Fly: “How are you, Art?”

Art Vark: “Fine.  Let’s get straight to it.  What do you think about DT after he turned the fans on you in your last match?”

The Fly: “Well, obviously I felt betrayed.”  

Art Vark: “I didn’t know that your kind could feel anything.”

The Fly: “What are you talking about?”

Art Vark: “How long do you think it would take a human to feel a fly on his head?  I’m sure such things as skin sensitivity and fine motor skills are the most challenging technologies to perfect. 

The Fly (feigning indignation): “You’re crazy!” 

Closet Conservative (southern drawl): “You’re barking up the wrong tree on that one partner.”

Art Vark: “Look, it’s the Closet Conservative.  Hey CC, can you tell us what foreign power owns you through blackmail? 

Closet Conservative: “How dare you preach such slander, Sir.”

Art Vark: “Come on CC, everyone inside the Beltway knows that you’re gay.  What you do with your personal life is your business but when you are voted into the ring by your anti-abortion, anti-gay fans, what would happen if they knew that it was all just your gimmick?   

Closet Conservative: “Bomb Iran!” (storms off).

Art Vark: “Oh no, look who it is walking down the aisle.  It’s the Domestic Terror himself!”

Domestic Terror: “It’s wonderful to see my adoring fans once again (flexing his biceps).  I’m ready for the Battle Royal tomorrow night where I will once again regain my World Championship belt after it was stolen from me.”

Art Vark: “Uh, DT, you’re out of it.  Your last match was “Loser leave town” --and you lost.”

Domestic Terror: “That match was rigged!  The Fly could’ve turned it all around for me, but he was gutless like the rest of them.  Even Moribund Man chickened out at the end.”

Art Vark: “Sorry DT, but you’re not supposed to be here.  You need to leave.”

DT: “Never!  I will get my fans to turn upon you all!”

Art Vark (causing a distraction): “Hey, get that old man away from the controls.  Oh wait, it’s Dr. Demented, winner of the last title match.”

“Why aren’t you wearing your World Championship belt, DD?

Dr. Demented:  "What belt?  What the hell are you talking about?  Where am I?"

(A polar wind blows through)

Art Vark: “Who do we have coming down the aisle now?  Why, it’s the Geoengineer!” 

Geoengineer: “Did somebody call for a cold front?  How about a little reflective technology to superheat the planet?” 

Art Vark: “So how many of these disasters are really orchestrated by you instead of being “Acts of God?”

Geoengineer (arrogantly): “Acts of God?  Perhaps they should call them acts of me!  Do you think we let Tesla’s discoveries go to waste?  Frequency, resonance and vibration focused in particular ways can bring forth planet-changing results.  The championship belt will soon be mine at last!”

Art Vark: “Not so fast, GE.  There is still one voice we have yet to hear from.  The reception is bad, but maybe we can listen to a few words from our super-villain-on-location in Fukushima Prefecture.”

Toxic Plume: “I am the Toxic Plume!  Your lives mean nothing to me.  Neither does your stupid belt.  Along with assistance from my new tag-team partner, the Geoengineer, we will destroy everything!”

Art Vark (taking GE aside): “What?  I didn’t know that you two were now tag team partners?”

Geoengineer (looking afraid): “I didn’t either.”

Toxic Plume: “My radioactive essence has been slowly infiltrating the seven seas.  It’s just a matter of time before I creep into your fresh water supply.”

“Choke it down, slaves!  In your race to the bottom, I will be the one left standing.”

Art Vark: “There you have it folks! The Battle Royal scheduled for tomorrow night looks to be the best ever!  Be sure to tune in to pay-per-view to find out who walks away with the title!”

 

*Characters and storylines are for entertainment purposes only.  Any belief that above characters exhibit similarities to real human beings either living or dead could result in mass psychosis with accompanying extinction level events.