Contemporary America with a twist:
Tom Sell-Out: “This ain’t my first rodeo. I’m here to double-down on my lies just like your president. Reverse-mortgages make you a hired hand living in the banker’s bunkhouse. But with our collapsing housing market, it looks like your equity won’t go as far as it once did.
After the moratorium on rent and mortgage payments are lifted, millions of Americans will be thrown into the streets. Don’t you be one of them.
Mostly, we want you in there to keep up the property as we all know things fall apart much faster when neglected, especially when the looters are running rampant.
The housing market will turn around some day. It’s just that, most likely, you won’t be around to see it.
When you die, the banks will take over your property leaving your family without a penny and stuck paying exorbitant rates for your burial due to viral decontamination measures now being instituted across the country.
But you can bet you’re a$$ that I don’t have a reverse mortgage on my property. My ranch will be paid in full with this check I receive for lying to you. And I’ll do it again if I have to.
After all, I’m the same all-around-cowboy-and-police-chief-man-of-integrity that I play on T.V. If you’re stupid enough to believe that being a reality TV star and 4-time bankrupt businessman qualifies for being your president, why couldn’t I bullshit my way out of this one?”
_______________________________
Vacuous
Eye Candy Press Secretary (channeled by a demon): “The president never said that
you should shoot up with Lysol. And he
also never said that wearing a mask is for wimps.”
Reporter: “Does the president think that, due to his lies now being exposed regarding the corona virus as well as selling out his country to the banks while turning the people into a nation of welfare recipients will adversely affect his chances for re-election?”
VEC: “Not really. His followers already drank the Kool-Aide and the president is just waiting for more of their bodies to drop.”
Reporter: “Why is the president finally coming around about wearing masks and why has he been so duplicitous regarding everything surrounding this pandemic including not wearing a mask himself for so long?”
Vacuous Eye Candy: (looking directly into the camera): “The president wants you dead. That makes him little different than the previous presidents at least since JFK. But this president could very well be responsible for millions of American deaths before this is over. And he’s off to a good start. No telling how many have died due to believing his lies surrounding the bioweapon.”
(Press Secretary coming out of her trance and feeling disoriented): “No more questions.”
_______________________________
New
bumper stickers gone viral: “I Survived the First Wave!” Get yours while supplies last. “Second Wave” pre-orders taken until the end
of September.
And remember, there’s still time to order our newest limited-edition tee-shirt previously sold only in hospital gift shops, “Is it a Hoax Now, Asshole?”
_______________________________
General:
“We take our protection of insignificant civilian peasants very seriously. That’s why we recently flew Lakota and
Blackhawk helicopters over protesters to intimidate them into dispersing. Sort of makes you wonder about those fighter
jets flying over sporting events and hospitals doesn’t it?”
______________________________
Agent
Provocateur: “Is everybody here? Okay,
this half of the group go down to the next block. There will be a pallet of bricks on the
corner just like the one here. I’ll let
you know when to throw them through the store windows.”
“No, like I already told you, the cops won’t bother us. They’re in on it too.”
______________________________
In
music news, the artist formerly known as Drumpf has recently been released from
his band, “The Maskless Bastards.”
Lead Guitarist: “I’m so confused. Drumpf named the band himself and now he starts wearing a mask on-stage? I just don’t know who to believe anymore.”
With Drumpf as their front man, the band has had a number of hits including, “Only Criminals Wear Them,” and “Kiss the Wall, Have a Ball,” both from their debut album, “Hot War at Home.”
It’s well known that the band has long been having problems with its rival, “Senile Joe and the Desperadoes.” The current trouble has to do with allegations of copyright infringement violations as Senile Joe claims that he wrote the lyrics to his song, “Take the Shot,” but Drumpf changed the title to “Stocks in Vaccines, A Psychopath’s Dream.”
Senile Joe: “All Drumpf did was change a few words and put in a riff for his lead guitar.”
Reporter: “If this is so, Senile Joe, then why do you need a teleprompter to read the lyrics that you supposedly wrote yourself?”
Senile Joe: “I’ve written hundreds of songs in my lifetime. I can’t be expected to remember the words to all of them.”
Reports coming in reveal that Drumpf has decided to go solo.
__________________________________
Biker Dude at Sturgis Rally (lifting up his beer bottle): “We don’t need no stinking masks! This is America; land of the free."
Reporter: “But I notice that you guys are all strictly adhering to the “no smoking” policies inside the local bars.”
Biker Dude: “Of course, it’s a major health risk. Smoking indoors is just irresponsible.”
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