Contemporary
America with a twist:
Tom
Sell-Out: “This ain’t my first rodeo.
I’m here to double-down on my lies just like your president. Reverse-mortgages make you a hired hand living in
the banker’s bunkhouse. But with our
collapsing housing market, it looks like your equity won’t go as far as it once
did.
After
the moratorium on rent and mortgage payments are lifted, millions of Americans
will be thrown into the streets. Don’t
you be one of them.
Mostly,
we want you in there to keep up the property as we all know things fall apart
much faster when neglected, especially when the looters are running rampant.
The
housing market will turn around some day.
It’s just that, most likely, you won’t be around to see it.
When
you die, the banks will take over your property leaving your family without a
penny and stuck paying exorbitant rates for your burial due to viral
decontamination measures now being instituted across the country.
But
you can bet you’re a$$ that I don’t have a reverse mortgage on my
property. My ranch will be paid in full
with this check I receive for lying to you.
And I’ll do it again if I have to.
After
all, I’m the same all-around-cowboy-and-police-chief-man-of-integrity that I
play on T.V. If you’re stupid enough to
believe that being a reality TV star and 4-time bankrupt businessman qualifies for
being your president, why couldn’t I bullshit my way out of this one?”
_______________________________
Vacuous
Eye Candy Press Secretary (channeled by a demon): “The president never said that
you should shoot up with Lysol. And he
also never said that wearing a mask is for wimps.”
Reporter:
“Does the president think that, due to his lies now being exposed regarding the
corona virus as well as selling out his country to the banks while turning the
people into a nation of welfare recipients will adversely affect his chances for
re-election?”
VEC:
“Not really. His followers already drank
the Kool-Aide and the president is just waiting
for more of their bodies to drop.”
Reporter:
“Why is the president finally coming around about wearing masks and why has he
been so duplicitous regarding everything surrounding this pandemic including not
wearing a mask himself for so long?”
Vacuous
Eye Candy: (looking directly into the camera): “The president wants you dead. That makes him little different than the
previous presidents at least since JFK.
But this president could very well be responsible for millions of
American deaths before this is over. And
he’s off to a good start. No telling how many have died due to believing his
lies surrounding the bioweapon.”
(Press
Secretary coming out of her trance and feeling disoriented): “No more questions.”
_______________________________
New
bumper stickers gone viral: “I Survived the First Wave!” Get yours while supplies last. “Second Wave” pre-orders taken until the end
of September.
And
remember, there’s still time to order our newest limited-edition tee-shirt
previously sold only in hospital gift shops, “Is it a Hoax Now, Asshole?”
_______________________________
General:
“We take our protection of insignificant civilian peasants very seriously. That’s why we recently flew Lakota and
Blackhawk helicopters over protesters to intimidate them into dispersing. Sort of makes you wonder about those fighter
jets flying over sporting events and hospitals doesn’t it?”
______________________________
Agent
Provocateur: “Is everybody here? Okay,
this half of the group go down to the next block. There will be a pallet of bricks on the
corner just like the one here. I’ll let
you know when to throw them through the store windows.”
“No,
like I already told you, the cops won’t bother us. They’re in on it too.”
______________________________
In
music news, the artist formerly known as Drumpf has recently been released from
his band, “The Maskless Bastards.”
Lead
Guitarist: “I’m so confused. Drumpf
named the band himself and now he starts wearing a mask on-stage? I just don’t know who to believe
anymore.”
With
Drumpf as their front man, the band has had a number of hits including, “Only
Criminals Wear Them,” and “Kiss the Wall, Have a Ball,” both from their debut
album, “Hot War at Home.”
It’s
well known that the band has long been having problems with its rival, “Senile
Joe and the Desperadoes.” The current trouble
has to do with allegations of copyright infringement violations as Senile Joe
claims that he wrote the lyrics to his song, “Take the Shot,” but Drumpf
changed the title to “Stocks in Vaccines, A Psychopath’s Dream.”
Senile
Joe: “All Drumpf did was change a few words and put in a riff for his lead
guitar.”
Reporter:
“If this is so, Senile Joe, then why do you need a teleprompter to read the
lyrics that you supposedly wrote yourself?”
Senile
Joe: “I’ve written hundreds of songs in my lifetime. I can’t be expected to remember the words to all
of them.”
Reports
coming in reveal that Drumpf has decided to go solo.
__________________________________
Biker
Dude at Sturgis Rally (lifting up his beer bottle): “We don’t need no stinking
masks! This is America; land of the
free."
Reporter:
“But I notice that you guys are all strictly adhering to the “no smoking” policies
inside the local bars.”
Biker
Dude: “Of course, it’s a major health risk.
Smoking indoors is just irresponsible.”